THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

The birds outside sang their songs
But teacher, you went on, and on, and on.
A train whistled long and loud,
But teacher, you went on, and on, and on.
A flower pleased my senses,
But teacher, you went on, and on, and on.
When the final bell rang,
I was gone, gone, gone.

CAREER

"What do you want to be when you grow up," asked the teacher.
"Older." I said reasonably
"There'S no use being smart-alecky," teacher said,
looking down at my 9 year old, defenseless body"
"Now answer the question intelligently,"
she went on remorselessly.
I thought a while and was inspired,
"I'd like to be a teacher," I said innocently.
"Wonderful," she replied , beaming,
"A teacher," I went on, "Who does not ask 9
year old kids impossible questions"
I spent the rest of the afternoon in the
cloakroom, reading.

PUNISHMENT

In the good old days,
in the good old days,
you'd be punished in school
in a number of ways.
It was the ruler, the strap,
or the wooden cane,
or anythng handy,
that would bring some pain.

When it wasn't physical,
it was kinda mental.
Being sent to the cloakroom,
was considered gentle.
Or the teacher would say,
with a happy smile,
"You stay here after school,
and write lines by the mile."

There was one more punishment
these idiots inflicted,
for talking out of turn,
or being contradicted.
'Oscar, they'd say.
"You sit with Ruth."
Would you believe it?
I'm telling the truth.

That was the dumbest punishment of all
'cause I just sat there and had me a ball.

BACK SEAT

I sit in the back of the class
It’s nice and quiet there
I can scratch, I can squirm,
I can see outside, I can dream.
Nobody bothers me,
Teacher does not even know that I am alive.
Doesn’t she care?

SCHOOL WAYS

“Teacher, teacher,” I called out desperately, waving my arms up high.
“What is it Oscar,” she said crossly.
“May I leave the room please?” I implored.
“This is not a kindergarten, you are old enough to control yourself, you will just have to wait.” She said through tight lips.
My eyes exuded hate as nature stained my trousers

WEEKENDS ONLY

I always did everything until I got here with you.
I was the king of the castle, I ran like the wind.
I found all the secret treasures.
But now I’m not good at anything teacher, except on Saturdays and Sundays.

PEE PEE

Sometime I don’t pee straight.
Jimmy pees very straight.
Is that why he is your most
favorite, teacher

HOUSE CALL

I’d invite you over to my house, teacher,
but I’m afraid you wouldn’t understand.
You see my brother Jimmy eats with his mouth
open wide, and my pa burps a lot and my ma
wears old clothes and stuff, and my dog is not
really house-trained or anything.
Besides, my house is very old and don’t smell
so good and you know something, you can kiss
my royal ass ‘cause who needs you anyway.

DOUBLE STANDARD

When my parents came in to see you
Principal sir,
you were ever so sweet, so polite.
I wonder why you don’t talk to me the
way you talk to them, sir?