What dost thou do in the name of beauty? Most everything the ladies reply in unison. Let's break it down into categories, shall we? We shall.
HAIR: All hair must be removed from every niche and corner without fail with the exception of head hair (I'll deal with the latter, later.) Off with upper lip hair, nostrils, ears, face. chin, arms, under arms, and legs. Special consideration must be given for bikini wearers. Removing body hair is no easy task. There are so many tools of the trade, so to speak. A multitude is available. So many to choose from. All manner of creams, depilatories, clippers, razors, lasers, lotions, sprays, and body wraps. Specialty shops are ready to assist you with electrolysis treatment to painfully remove both your hair and your money.
SCALP: There are good and bad hair days. So many things can go wrong. Hair can be too short, too long, too frizzy, too curly, too greasy, too dull, too colorless, too flat, or just, je ne sais quoi. So many things must be done to make a bad hair day into a good hair day. Hair must be brushed, teased, washed, combed, ironed, shortened, lengthened, or dyed. There are a battalion of experts urging you to amplify your hair, to make your hair breathe, to shape your hair, to make your hair sexy, to make your hair shine, to change your hair color to blonde, red, brown, black, gray, purple, or a mixture thereof. Want a wig for that special occasion or for beauty's sake, no problem, just open your wallet.
EYES: Eyebrows too bushy or wishy washy -- trim eyebrow hair, color them, spray them, or circle eyes with some pencil device and do not forget the eyelashes for heaven sake. The final result brings out the true you? The real you? Go further and change the color of your eyes from time to time -- unbelievable!! The true eye is one left mainly alone, say I, but what do I know.
LIPS: Ah, the lips, are they kissable enough? Are they too thin? No problem, get them estrogen vaccinated every three months and presto, bigger, fatter lips at the ready. Too colorless? Choose from a zillion shades and remember to make sure they are glossy enough, sexy enough, lasting enough, standing out enough, and ready to be kissed day or night. Are they ready to marinate with your date?
HANDS: The hands must eternally look and feel young. Veins? Get rid of them. Don't forget the fingernails -- they must be pared, polished, pruned, or you are doomed. Choose from dozens of shades. Be inventive.
TOES: Don't forget the toes 'cause who knows. I know that pointy shoes and high heels are in vogue but play havoc with your feet by making making a mess of your toes, goodness knows. Let them breathe, give them space and they'll amaze.
Choose nail color that's not too garish, ones that can be taken to your parish or wherever.
BREATH: Bad breathe is a no no, one to be countered by sprays, mints, toothpaste and a good toothbrush. As a last resort, closed lips sealed tightly can be brought into play.
TEETH: White and only white is the color, the only color , the winning color. Brushing alone will not do it . Your dentist to the rescue, one who will have them polished, cleaned, scraped, and looked after in every way, including false teeth if and when necessary. Products galore in every store will keep your teeth shining as bright as a light. By the way, don't use your teeth to bite your nails, your nails will thank you and so will everyone else -- It is not a very nice sight by day or by night.
SCENT: Ladies, here you can use an ounce of perfume for a pound of money. There is no end of varieties -- a little dab, a very little dab will do you. Over-scenting makes no sensing. It's a powerful put down, one that will get you nowhere, so clear the air.
No need to trap innocent people in elevators, cars, trains, planes, restaurants, or gambling haunts. Go easy, go fresh. Use soap liberally.
DIET: Don't diet. Instead, eat healthy, eat wisely, eat regularly, don't starve yourself. Your body needs food not only to survive but to feel alive. Forget about being a size two, that absolutely will not do, please.
EXERCISE: Exercising like a demon won't remove pounds if it does not go along with a sound food regimen. A good policy is to not to overdo anything.
GENERAL: I advise all and sundry to do away with bright mirrors or floor mirrors. Ads and more ads call upon women to use their creams, unguents, and treatments to fight sagging necklines, drooping jawlines, stubborn liver spots, blemishes, freckles,
blotches, sunspots, on face, neck, chest, hands, arms and legs. The beauty ads scream for attention. Act now they blare from every source -- clarify, reverse, tone,and firm for a radiant you, a true you will make you look brand new they add. They are relentless: use more than one cream for your face, your body, every inch of you. Employ our diet programs, our lasers, our sure-fire plastic surgery. The clothes designers are out in strength. They busily design clothes for all the seasons. Styles so varied, so compelling, you are forced to feel that inside their clothes you should be dwelling. I say do not listen too hard. Don't be a follower, fight back. It's okay to add a little flesh, to use less rouge, to exhibit a natural face. a healthy face. No need to over-exercise. Try walking, running, skipping, dancing and a little romancing, all of which is kind of enhancing. Try aging, it's alright to get older. If you have stayed with me all this time, I salute you. Let me add a couple of things. Let us see the unadorned you, the real you, a product of nature, at least some of the time. You need not spend a fortune on cosmetics. Why not have torsos that are more-so, less bony, more tony.
