ALL ABOUT WINE

People who profess to know wine, like to wax poetic when describing the beverage. They eulogize, they elevate, they simper in their attempts to turn the liquid of crushed grapes into holy water.

The wineries, through their paid and unpaid spokesmen, would have us believe that wine drinking is sacred and should partner a dinner without fail. We are told that wine is there to give solace or conversely to celebrate an event. These wine propagandists remind that wine has been predominant during holidays and rituals for thousands of years.

We have been ‘grape washed’ into believing that wine and romance go together, that wines are fun, are trendy, and can even be beneficial to our health. Drink wine when dining they preach.

Wine snobs and wine writers have developed a peculiar language, one designed to enhance the brew to life-like levels. Apparently wines have noses. These noses can be dull, lingering, delicate, rich, intense, lasting, fragment, and the adjectives go on, and on, and on.

Some Noteworthy quotes follow;
The nose is full and lingering with a rounded feeling. Now try this:
The wine has perfect balance going in, with an intense nose, plenty of flavor, and an excellent finish. Cyrano, where art thou?
We are led to believe that wines excite the palate, no less. The palate pushers assure us that wine is: Inviting, lively, sprightly, rounded, mouth filling and delicate on the palate. Show your palates, everyone.

Now listen to this gem: “The true wine purist does more than swallow wine. When they taste wine, the taste mounts up in a cloud of fumes, curls over the palate, past the uvula, up through the nose, and finally lodges in the brain, where it lives forever as a memory.”
(I’ll have one of those.) Shouldn’t we all pause now in reverential awe?

Our wine linguists advise us that wines have FINISHES, that wines are stylish, honest, brash, forward, generous, and mysterious. A would-be-expert rhapsodizes; “It’s an honest wine, the flavors holding well and yet are somehow mysterious. This wine has a praiseworthy finish.” Honest? Mysterious? Praiseworthy finish? Hallelujah!

Winos bring wine recognition down to earth. They contend that any wine in a brown paper bag will more than suffice.

The wine snob believes that wine is the nectar of the gods and believes he is the reigning god. Most of you have seen this worthy in action. He is deliberate, intimate, and knowing discussions with the wine steward follow. It is a ceremony, a religious rite. Our wine veteran goes into his act. A delicate sniff, a whirl of the glass, a minute quantity of wine allowed to linger knowingly on the palate, followed by an educated not of approval.

I personally order a carafe of the house wine. I smack my lips, I roll my eyes, and rapturously explain to nobody in particular, “I find this wine has a lingering full nose, a wine that is intense, yet perfectly balanced --- and the finish, oh how the finish sings, sings, sings!
CHEERS EVERYONE!!!!